071 IELTS ESSAY IMPROVEMENT CLASS (1 of 3)

In this podcast we take a poor (but grammatically perfect) essay and transform it into a high scoring succinct masterpiece:-)

Here is a typical Task 2 question:

Employment is becoming an increasingly illusive goal for many graduates. Some say universities are failing in preparing students for the future, whereas others argue there is a fundamental fall in the calibre of graduates. What are the reasons for this? Has the quality of graduates dropped?

Here is the introduction:

Nowadays in the current modern increasingly competitive society there are many challenges to face for the global citizen. Jobs are increasingly difficult to find. University is more popular than ever, and thus makes employment in the job market difficult. In this essay I will talk about the reasons why this is so and hopefully convince you with my excellent reasons. First I will discuss why employment is increasingly difficult. Then I am going to speak about globalisation in general because I think it’s really really relevant.

Copy it down, have a look, where are the problems?

Lets analyse it sentence by sentence. This exact process is how I get would get you to jump a band. I analyse YOUR essay and give you similar feedback but for your own essay.

Download the podcast here:

SENTENCE 1

Nowadays in the current modern increasingly competitive society there are many challenges to face for the global citizen.

All three words are expressing the same concept. Eliminate the fat and use one adjective.

Nowadays in the current modern increasingly competitive society there are many challenges to face for the global citizen.

Is there any citizen who isn’t global?

Nowadays in the current modern increasingly competitive society there are many challenges to face for the global citizen.

Is the ‘topic sentence’ actually related to the question? NO. This is a generic copy paste sentence that examiners can spot a mile off. It should be tailored to the actual topic of the question.

How do we correct the problems?

In an increasingly competitive labour market (employment) opportunities are said to be difficult to find, especially for higher education students.

With this sentence I had to re-write it all, because the original was almost irrelevant.

This sentence refers to the question, relates to it and uses collocations.

SENTENCE 2

Jobs are increasingly difficult to find.

increasingly – Repetition of the same adverb used in the first sentence.

Jobs are increasingly difficult to find. – Sentence is unnecessarily short, and can be linked to the next sentence easily.

SENTENCE 3

University is more popular than ever, and thus makes employment in the job market difficult.

The above sentence doesn’t make sentence, it lacks coherence.

Why would the popularity of university make employment difficult?

The solution is to link both sentences and explain in more detail.

Jobs are increasingly difficult to find. University is more popular than ever, and thus makes employment in the job market difficult.

Should be presented like this:

University is more popular than ever,

THEREFORE MORE STUDENTS FINISHING UNIVERSITY MEANS

GRADUATE Jobs are increasingly difficult to find.

(and thus makes employment in the job market difficult) -optional last sentence.

Due to the popularity of university there are more higher education students than ever before, this increases the competition for graduates opportunities, essentially making the labour market more difficult to enter.

SENTENCE 4

In this essay I will talk about the reasons why this is so and hopefully convince you with my excellent reasons.

This essay will explore the difficulties encountered by job seekers and provide examples from American academic studies to prove arguments.

I will talk - Avoid personal pronouns.

In this essay – This essay… Cut the fat and be succinct.

TALK? – explore.

the reasons why this is so – This communicates absolutely nothing.

hopefully convince you with my excellent reasons.– AVOID PERSONAL PRONOUNS

my excellent reasons – NO DETAIL, NO SPECIFICS, EMPTY AND REDUNDANT.

my excellent reasons – Sounds terrible because it is self promotion, contrast this with an academic essay which should be more objective.

Reason reason – Repeated twice, and -even worse- no real MEAT or CONTENT!

SENTENCE 5

First I will discuss why employment is increasingly difficult.

I will discuss – Again personal pronouns.

First I will discuss why employment is increasingly difficult. – Very basic and repeats a concept previously mentioned.

SENTENCE 6

Then I am going to speak about globalisation in general because I think it’s really really relevant.

Then I – personal pronoun, not necessary.

Then I am going to – Tense, ‘going to’ is considered conversational, in formal writing WILL is preferred.

to speak about – too ‘wordy’, the same concept could be expressed by saying ‘This essay will consider…

because I think – personal pronoun, not necessary.

it’s really really relevant. - NO contractions.

..it is really really relevant. – unsophisticatedemphasis, we could say: extremely relevant, or highly relevant.

Useful Collocations.

Job security

job seeker

employment opportunities

higher education

academic studies

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